The other day I had a gentleman who follows my Glitter Bug facebook page send me a private message. This is not uncommon. I usually get inboxed a lot, asking for my opinion, or advice on various situations.
This man, however, asked me why I was single. Granted, he asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with men’, giving the *illusion* he was genuinely shocked by my single status, but after I gave my (basic) explanation, he continued to probe further.
Firstly, I was confused by the lack of understanding when the short answers I were giving didn’t convey my annoyance at having to answer his questions. But secondly – I started getting *really* confused as to why a stranger thought it was ok to ask me such a personal question, and then follow it up with further probing and questioning.
Yes, I am a renown oversharer – but this is my point. I share a lot. With a lot of people. Most of whom I do not know personally. So to ask even more personal information of me seems to be a completely disrespectful and unnecessary bizarre feat – ya feel?
So obviously, my fat feathers were ruffled.
So much so, in fact, that I decided to write this blog post.
If you are someone who asks ‘why are you single?’ – then this one’s for you.
These are the top 3 reasons (I’m certain there are many more) reasons why you’re an absolute dip shit for asking. Buckle in fellas, I’m not holding back.
1. Because you *know* nothing good can come of this conversation
What do you actually want to gain by asking this question? Are you hoping the person will dish some dirt, share their dirty laundry or 12 suitcases of excess baggage with you? If said single person was single because they have a hardcore SnM fetish and have a thing for affairs, and they just can’t seem to find someone compatible with that, do you really think they’re going to tell you?? And if they genuinely believe they are a good person, who keeps getting burned time after time, what the fuck are they supposed to say? ‘I’m not sure why I’m single, I cry myself to sleep about it at least 3 times a week, but thanks for bringing up this sensitive issue in a public place!’
Apart from punching the person in the face (which I’ve refrained from doing in reality, but do it in my mind’s eye every single time I get asked this question), what the fuck do you actually say?
If, like many, said single person tries their best to be a decent human, thanks drivers for giving way and separates their recyclables, they probably have no fucking IDEA why they are single, and you asking about it isn’t helping. This question brings up feelings of unworthiness, humiliation and shame because we live in a society that expects people to *want* to find a partner, and to have found that partner by a certain age. By asking this question to a person who is genuinely seeking a companion, you are reminding them of a part of their lives in which they feel lacking. An area of their lives they probably try really hard to remain strong and positive about – and your comment could have unravelled a fuckload of hard work, positive affirmations and good vibes that said single person consciously works at to enable them to fill their own goddamn bucket and not burst into tears every time they cross paths with a couple.
You adding fuel to the fire by following up with questions like ‘but you’re so funny,’ or, ‘I’m sure guys love that you’re so confident,’ aren’t really helping either. Because you know what? I KNOW these things. Deep down I know that I am worthy – so the fact that I have these lovely traits, and *still* can’t lock down a dick means that I’m now going to leave this conversation and head home to my empty Queen size bed and over internalise and dig deeper to try and find a *reason* why I am single – because you asked me, so there must be a valid reason, right? I don’t know what it is… because I try to be a good person… but now I’m going to over analyse every decision I’ve ever made, every outfit I’ve ever worn and every man I’ve ever walked away from, because you’ve asked me to second guess everything that has brought me to this moment.
2. Because it makes you appear to be a clueless, insensitive asshole; even if you’re not
If you haven’t been single in the past 3 years, I’m sorry but you truly have no idea what it’s now like to be single. Each generation faces their own issues; one of our biggest battles is the insane amount of choice leading us all into choice paralysis where people fear that if they make a decision, they may make the wrong one, and be missing out on something even better.
By asking why I’m single, you’re assuming that firstly, I know the answer, and secondly, that there’s a simple solution.
Comments such as ‘you’re too picky’, ‘you’ll find the right one’, or ‘it’ll come when you stop looking for it,’ also make you look like a massive asshole, and do nothing to inspire anybody. If you are the kind of person who believes your life will not be complete until you find the missing puzzle piece which hopefully comes in the form of a human with a perfect penis, then how do you actually ‘stop looking’? The concept is just so ludicrous. I used to be one of these people that felt I’d never be complete without a partner. Thank god I learnt to fill my own bucket (if you want to learn how I changed my mentality, you need to buy a ticket to my next event HERE) – but before I got to this peaceful headspace, this was actually the *worst* thing people could ever say to me… How the fuck do you stop looking when the one thing your heart craves so desperately seems so out of your control?
Do *not* ask these questions you insensitive git! Just don’t.
3. It’s actually become an extremely personal question
Up until recently I was not single by choice. I hated the question ‘why are you single’ because I wanted a partner, but couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong. How do you articulate that without your self worth taking a beating? Recently, I’ve decided that I’m not in the right headspace to pursue a relationship, although my heart always remains open to anything that may cross my path.
I still hate this question.
I don’t want to explain to you when you ask it that I want to focus on making *myself* happy. I shouldn’t have to tell you that I’ve slept around with so many people that sex has lost all meaning, and I’m working on getting that back for myself first, before I meet the man I want to sleep with for the rest of my life. I really don’t want to go into the reasons why I’m choosing to prioritise my business right now because of the very real possibility that I could be on my own for a good few years to come, and want to ensure I have set myself up properly to be able to pay off my two mortgages as a single human on a single income.
I don’t want to explain this to you, nor should I have to.
A while ago I stopped asking couple ‘so, when are you two going to have a baby!’ You know why? Because it’s 2018. Maybe she can’t have a baby and her heart is broken into a million pieces. Maybe his sperm count is down, and his manhood has taken a beating. Maybe they’ve had 17 miscarriages and the most recent one was just yesterday, maybe their relationship is hanging by a thread because of it. Maybe they’ve remortgaged to try a 4th round of IVF and he’s had to watch her go through the daily torture the drugs are wrecking on her body. Maybe they don’t fucking want kids!!!! DO NOT ASK THIS QUESTION… and DO NOT ask why someone is single. You don’t know what flood gates you are opening. If you don’t know a person well enough to know why they’re single, then you don’t know them well enough to ask.
I’ll try make it real simple for you meat heads who still find it hard to wrap your minds around why you need to stop asking this question.
Regardless of how curious you are, or how genuine or innocent you intentions are behind asking it, this question brings up a whole fuckload of feelings and emotions in said single person. One of the most simple yet lethal emotional reactions to this question (at least, lethal to you, the asker), is wanting to punch that person in the face.
There is nothing good that can come out of this question. The person you asked is not going to have a lightbulb moment of clarity, You are not going to feel more accomplished as a human because you can go home at the end of the night and lay next to your partner, smug in the knowledge that you gave the best advice *ever* when you said to just ‘wait and see what happens’.
I promise you. There is no need to ask this question; nothing good can come of it.
So in short?
Don’t be a douche. Mind your own business and stop asking people why they are single.
And you – single girl? I see you, I feel you, I know you. I am you. And you’re fabulous, girlfriend.