In short – yes. Yes, there is such thing as bad sex.
You know the type – it’s brief, lacklustre, passionless and leaves you unfulfilled… you can wee perfectly fine the next day and you don’t have a bit of a throb to remind you of the fireworks that were cracking the night before… yeh; that kind – bad sex.
I seem to be having a lot of bad sex lately – and if not bad, then mediocre, at best.
The problem is, I’ve realised, when you’ve had explosive, passionate, earth shattering sex with someone you connect with on an immense level, it’s hard to ever top that… or even come close to topping it. You’re left in the wake of post coital bliss, comparing every future experience to that amazing sex session.
My past two sex bombs
I’ve had two such partners. The kind that have left enormous shoes (and jocks, let’s be honest…) to fill. These two partners tend to consume my memories with whispers and snap shots of our play time when I’m alone at night, it’s these two past lovers I think of when I’m feeling a little edgy… and it’s even just the mere memories of these two that make me shudder and shake just as hard as I did when they were really there next to/on top of/behind/ under me.
I had a 3 month fling with Sex Bomb number one. From the first night, he made the world disappear around me for those 10 pulse stopping moment a few times a week. When it ended, my heart broke not only from being dumped, but from the certainty that never again would I experience the same sexual chemistry with another living soul. After all, I had never experienced it up until that point as a very sexually active 27 year old… so I was certain it would take me another 27 years to find someone equally, if not more passionate and sexually in tune.
I was wrong.
Sex Bomb number two came along… and just like Sex Bomb number one, from the very first time we kissed, there was tingles all over my body. This progressed into the bedroom where we could not get enough of each other. Instead of taking weeks to get to know each other’s sexual pleasures, we intuitively knew what the other wanted, we were confidently vocal, we both took turns of taking charge… we were both insatiable.
When I got dumped by Sex Bomb number two, I was equally nervous that never again would I find someone I connected with so instinctively in the bedroom. I am not one of these girls that will settle for a life of mediocre sex, once a month – many can and will and are perfectly content… but I feel that a good sexual chemistry is on my short list of non-negotiable ‘must have’s’.
In the wake of being dumped by Sex Bomb number two I realised that I will, probably, meet a Sex Bomb number three. I am torn between choosing a life of celibacy to avoid the mundane robotic fucks that seems to come my way, and ravishing every guy who looks at me sideways… just to check if he might be my ‘third time lucky.’
I also realised, with a recent mediocre encounter… that although I certainly believe in ‘bad sex’, I don’t think I believe that people are innately bad at sex. I believe the times that we have bad sex are purely that we are not in tune with that other person.
Take last night, for example. It was mediocre. Nothing bad. Nothing amazing. I didn’t finish. He did… But… He might have thought I was shit… even though we did it to Redbone by Childish Gambino and I felt sexy and like I’d given a good show… I recognised it wasn’t great sex. Did he? Did I secretly blame him for the mediocrity? Did he think it was wild? Or did he think the mediocrity was due to my involvement?
In contrast, Sex Bombs one and two, literally thought I was the goddess of sex, as I thought similarly of them. I was not only told this by them, I felt it, I could sense it.
In the case of last night, and mediocre sex in general, I’m sure if you work at it, practice, and pick up on the subtle clues from your partner, you will learn how they like it, and it will get better. I’ve also had these kind of experiences with many partners. They have become enjoyable experiences. But they can’t compare with that sexual connection and sexual intuition you find in some partners from the first time your lips touch.
Here’s my example
I don’t wanna toot my own horn here… but I happen to know a thing or two about a decent BJ (thank you Jenna Jameson). I enjoy doing it, and I’m confident in doing so. I remember Sex Bomb number two telling me it was the best he’d had in his life, that the eye contact drove him wild, and he was sorry, but he had to tell his brother about it, because he couldn’t get over my technique. He could have been talking shit – I’m aware of this. But I don’t believe, in this case, that he was.
Another time, I was doing my thing with another guy I was seeing. I could sense it wasn’t really flying his fag… and I asked him if he liked it. His response? ‘Well… it’s not… bad…’
I was mortified.
Obviously I grabbed my clothes and marched out instantly (girl, you’re FABULOUS). But was I mad at that boy? No. Was I turned on doing it, even though I normally LOVE giving a good old BJ? No… I wasn’t turned on either. Was this shit sex? Yes. Are both of us bad at sex? Not necessarily… we just didn’t connect on that level.
So if I’ve learnt a thing or two about all these years between (under, on top of) the sheets… Yes there is such thing as shit sex… but it doesn’t mean that partner doesn’t know how to get a girls socks off… it just means you may have to work on it…
…or just move on and try the next one, like me.
And don’t forget, regardless of the sex, regardless of if it’s good, bad or mediocre… you’re fabulous, girlfriend