I recently got set up with a guy. Again.
It’s a frustratingly hard position to be in. You know these match-makers mean well… but at times, you want to grab their face in your hands and scream in their face, ‘do you even know me at all!?’ Because if they did, there’s no way they could have ever thought that you two would be a perfect pair.
Over the past year only, I’ve been set up 3 or 4 times. The close proximity of these set ups and the way they all have failed miserably has led to my new personal policy on being set up: Thanks, but no thanks, it’s a no from me. And it’s gonna be a no every single time someone asks to set me up from here on in.
Set up scenario one
The first time, I got a call asking if I’d be interested to meet this lovely man who was related to family friends. He was in his late 30’s, owned his own business, and just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t meet a nice girl. Sympathising with his frustration, I agreed to pass on my number.
The next day I got a message. It read – Hi Bianca, It’s Lonely confused single dude*, Match-maker* passed on your number.
*Lonely confused single dude and Match-maker’s names were changed to protect their integrity after this pathetic situation.
THAT’S IT. That’s all his message said. What did I even reply to that?! He didn’t even ask how I was? There was absolutely zero effort put in, and in disgust, I refused to reply.
I got a call a few days later from the Match-maker in that scenario asking me if I’d heard from the Lonely confused single dude. I told her I did, and was completely put off by his lack of effort in his initial communication – he showed zero personality and zero interest. I wouldn’t have been surpirsed if someone had a gun to his head and was ordering him to send that message.
Amazingly, the Match-maker was shocked at his efforts, and agreed with my decision to protest this lack of imagination by not replying – and that was the end of that.
On a side note: I later googled his pictures and thanked the lord that this one didn’t come good – I’m all about giving everyone a chance but there has to be *some* physical attraction there… and let’s just say that he wasn’t my type. At all. If I’m disgustingly honest (oh wow, how refreshing for you, Bianca, tell us what you really thought!) I was a little pissed off that the Match-maker, knowing me and knowing him, would ever suggest such a match. I know they mean well, and obviously I’m starting to look a little desperate, but I know what my friend’s tastes are, and if I’m gonna put myself on the line by recommending a mate for them, you can bet your ass I’m gonna start off by making sure there’s a potential that my friend could get off on the right foot by at least liking the look of this person.
Set up scenario two
The next time, you may recall as discussed on the podcast (you can listen here), was with a guy who was 7 years younger than me…
7 years is a big difference when one person is ready for children and the other is still getting wasted on a week night (yes, I know I still do this occasionally, but work with me here.) The Match-maker in this scenario rung me and asked me permission, and I, always claiming to have an open heart and wanting to practice what I preach, agreed… thinking she would have at least tried to pair me with someone in a ballpark figure of my own age group.
As soon as we met I knew he would be super young; I could tell by his baby face and his nervousness as he sat opposite me. Even though I was the one who ordered the milkshake while he had a coffee, I still couldn’t get past the age gap, and it was confirmed this was a mutual feeling when he messaged me the next day (in a move that was, in fairness to this dude, mature beyond his years) thanking me for the previous evening, but explaining that he didn’t see anything in the future between us.
I thanked him genuinely for his well meaning text (in honesty, I had no intention of sending such a message, and was quietly hoping he would just contract amnesia and forget the whole evening ever occurred) and went on my merry way in the single jungle after a somewhat abusive message to the Match-maker.
Because, you see, even though the match maker meant well, in their haste to set it up, they had overlooked crucial information that had made this blind date more likely to not only fail from the beginning, but leave both him and I feeling awfully uncomfortable the moment that information was out in the air between us.
Set up scenario three
This has been the hardest, and the most recent set up, and definitely stamped, sealed and solidified my new policy on NO MATCH MAKING.
My dad out of all people, phoned me one day and started having a chat.
I won’t say it’s uncommon – we’re a pretty close family – but our phone calls are usually work related or family issue related… rarely does he phone just to ask how I am. So I wasn’t all that surprised when he started saying, ‘the real reason for my call is…’ I got my pen ready, thinking he needed me to collect some supplies, drop something off or bring his motorbike for a service (the guys that work at that service centre are *hot* – I’m always more than happy to assist with this specific task).
He told me that he had been talking to Tammy from work (he has so many staff now I barely knew who he was talking about but didn’t want to embarrass him, or myself, if I asked who the fuck Tammy was, and she happened to be standing right next to him…) and she was saying how she had a brother who was such a decent guy but he just couldn’t find a nice girl.
But the reason I was torn because I’m doomed if I do, and I’m doomed if I don’t.
This is literally the inner dialogue I had in my head whilst listening to my dad go on and on on the other end of the phone….
– Fuck this kind of set up has never gone well for me!
– Am I giving off some kind of ‘desperate’ aura this year?
– But what if he’s actually the ONE nice guy you get set up with, and you’ve blown him off before you’ve met him because of all the other bananas you’ve been set up with?
– You’re gonna make your dad look bad if you say no to this, Tammy’s totally going to think dad’s kids are snobs.
– Who the fuck is Tammy?
– Is Tammy hot? Maybe she has good genes?
– 26 or 27? FUCK WHY ARE THERE NO DECENT GUYS OVER THE AGE OF 30 LEFT!?
– Don’t be ridiculous there’s heaps of decent guys over 30 left; they’re just not interested in YOU…
– Bianca don’t be a fucking bitch to yourself, you’re fabulous, girlfriend and you got this.
Obviously I told him to pass my facebook deets on – learning from the previous two set ups, I at least thought that way I could have a good stalk…
And sure enough, the next day I got a message in my inbox – Hey Bianca, Im Bob, the guy your dad might of mentioned yesterday. Apparently they are trying to set us up, how do you feel about a couple drinks sometime?
A pretty lovely opener, I’ll give him that. But after some initial banter, it became apparent that I didn’t feel too kindly towards a few drinks, after all. The quick stalk that ensued confirmed this.
And here I was again – back to that old debate I knew so well… one part of me certain I was being too fussy, the other part certain that after 10+ years of dating, I was a super good judge of character, and a great assessor of how the kind of initial interactions would play out if we ended up meeting up…but if I was such a good character, why was I still single… and back and forth I go.
But this wasn’t some dating app – this was a person who was related to a person who worked for my dad… YUCK… was this going to get back to him…!? Was I going to embarrass my dad?
I sent him a message asking if he had seen a picture of this guy he had set me up with (my dad knows *exactly* my type of man and often points them out with humour when we’re in my area – ‘Look Bianca! He looks homeless and is a big stocky red head! Just your type! – yes dad, that’s my type, so why did you give my deets to a lanky, spindly blonde guy that I would break in half if I wanted to go on top!?) He said no he hadn’t seen him, and that he didn’t know him from a bar of soap, ‘so be cautious’ – bless… if only he knew the extent of the situations I found myself in with guys who ‘I didn’t know from a bar of soap’…. my heart could have burst with love for him at that point. I forgave him instantly and gently asked him never to ever set me up. Ever again.
This guy is still messaging me. And apart from the lack of physical attraction (which, I’ll be honest, [despite how that makes me come across], because so many people bullshit about it – IS COMPLETELY FUCKING IMPORTANT) the convo wasn’t going anywhere either. Yes his messages were sweet and lovely, but there was no intelligent, stimulating, interesting or witty banter, and there was nothing being said that was luring me in to know more. Harsh. Blunt. But true.
So here I am, stuck. Do I go on a date just to ‘give him a go and do the right thing?’ Or do I follow my gut and gently tell him I don’t really want to meet him? Do I ghost him and just stop replying (I fucking hate this method and always try to avoid it where possible…)?
I donno what to *do*.
But I do know one thing for certain… NO. MORE. SET UPS. Ever. Please, and thank you. xx