Last night someone cancelled on me about an hour and a half before we had arranged to go to the movies. We had the tickets and all. Without skipping a beat, I grabbed my jacket and headed to the car.
I was riding solo.
The drive there
On the drive there I felt sad. I have never been the type to be bothered doing things by myself. I often go out to coffee or dinner on my own, I have been to the movies on my own (by choice) on more than one occasion, and I have travelled most of Europe as a lone wolf…
So why the sadness? Good question.
As my mind was wondering on the drive to the movies, I was thinking back to one of the ladies that had recently attended my last live event. She was recently single after 30 or so years of marriage. She kept saying statements like, “I just bought a ticket to this concert for myself, I’ll go alone, it’ll be empowering”… and “I went to that dinner party last week by myself – it was so empowering”… and I totally get it.
To be on your own, doing things solo, that you have done with a partner by your side for the past 30 years must be, in some ways, very empowering…
But here I was driving to the cinemas alone, and I did not feel empowered one little bit. I felt totally sad.
It’s all about perspective
This made me realise… How different are the journeys we have all embarked on… how incredible that our past experiences shape our perspective so heavily. This woman had not been single since she was 17… of course she feels like a boss turning up to a party alone! Of course she feels like she can take over the world when she rocks up to a concert solo or sits in a restaurant on her own for the first time! What a Queen!
But… for those of us who have had little choice but to do these things solo for the past 15 years… is it empowering? No… it’s just every day life.
I can say every day I grow happier and stronger as a single. I still aspire to one day be in a loving and lasting relationship… but… I have learnt to fill my own cup… And I no longer seek happiness, validation or completion from another.
What I do seek, is companionship. Someone to witness my mundane.
To make matters worse I had had somewhat of an interesting day… I was feeling a bit… affectionate… I was craving physical touch in a way I had not craved it for months. I don’t know if it was the time of month, the fact that I was watching a TV show with an incredibly hot sex scene, or that my imagination was getting the best of me… but I was gagging for some physical affection.
Some of you women would be able to relate. Sometimes it’s a sex thing. You would do anything just to have someone throw you down on the kitchen table and devour you… Other times it’s more than that. The skin on skin contact of spooning throughout the night, the laying on the couch, the touch on the small of your back as you’re walking down the isle in Coles.
For me last night it was having an empty seat next to me in the cinema. Something I’d usually be pretty cool about… except in a Gold Class cinema, that empty space feels ginormous; and hollow.
But this would not be a true Glitter Bug blog post if it didn’t have an upside.
So what was the upside? I got stood up an our before the movie, I felt sad the whole drive there… I was feeling alone, edgy and starved of physical touch… so what was the upside?
When I sat in the foyer part of the Gold Class cinema I instantly felt a little weird… Again, doing things solo is something I do frequently (often by choice)… but I felt awkward. The guy at the ticket booth obviously felt sorry for me when I said there would now only be one… so sorry for me he refunded the other ticket (popcorn for all!). The foyer of the Gold Class cinemas only has tables for two… and I was surrounded by couples… so again… what’s the upside?
Three out of the 5 couples who were surrounding me were sitting in complete silence.
Of course this is probably not ideal for these couples.. but.. this is a blog for single girls.. and you single Queens are the ones I am talking to.. So I suppose the up side I took from sitting in a herd of couples? I’m sure even people in relationships feel lonely at times… or feel uncomfortable or feel awkward. I chose to sit there and drink my hot chocolate visualising the fact that when I meet my partner in the coming months, we will converse and laugh and story tell every moment we can… and when we don’t, I’ll be devouring him with my eyes and basking in his presence, not busying myself in a menu or on my phone…
And maybe this is hopeful thinking. Maybe I too will end up in some relationship where I sit across from my partner looking board as hell and wishing I would rather be anywhere else… But I doubt it.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is… We will have times where even the strongest of single women amongst us will feel a longing. We are humans, we are wired for connection… but… don’t for a minute think that people in relationships don’t have shit too. And… at the time that longing hits – where ever and when ever this may be… use whatever positive thinking methods you have to to see you out in tact, tear free… even if it does mean buying a jumbo combo deal on their money…
You’re fabulous, girlfriend