She sunk to the cold floor of her half empty wardrobe, involuntarily shaking; feeling herself spiral.
‘I’m sorry, Chris, I just miss you.’
‘I know. And I know you had a bad day today. I know. But I try to be there for you and you think it means we will get back together. I can’t do this anymore!’ Chris was screaming now. Her voice sounded unfamiliar and wild. She couldn’t contain the rage that had been held in over the past few weeks.
How dare she want it all? She was yet to see living proof of a relationship turned friendship that was functional. Especially after such a short time apart.
It was true what people said; it was more complicated between two females. There were more emotions involved and usually it was both parties who wanted to remain friends. But this was extreme. Chris had never felt pain like this before. She had never felt so betrayed, or so manipulated, or abused or exhausted.
‘Can’t do what anymore?’ Her voice was tiny. A small echo in comparison to the avalanche on the other end.
‘You!’ Chris was acutely aware of her surroundings. The mostly bare walk in robe. The animal onesies they used to wear. The clumps of dust that danced aroud the space with each angry explosion. ‘I just can’t fucking do this! What about me? What about what I need? Who looks after me?’ She was sobbing now. Huge wracking sobs that shook her entire body. She couldn’t get enough breath in. Each time she tried her lungs just wouldn’t cooperate and it left her feeling like she was having an asthma attack; if she had been asthmatic.
‘Chris, I know. I know and I’m so sorry. Chris, just breathe for me.’ Genuine pain. Genuine concern. Genuine?
The fact that she was comforting Chris just seemed to make her more furious. She felt belittled.
‘I am humiliated!’ she screamed, unconcerned about her housemate in the next room. ‘I am miserable and I am humiliated that I let you do this to me, again. I am humiliated!’
More dancing dust.
She caught sight of herself in the wardrobe mirror. She fascinated herself when she was this hysterical. Her mascara had run dramatically down her face. She left it there. ‘You say you want good times before I go away? You’re the one who’s making my life a nightmare! Give me space and let me heal, then maybe we can work on good times.’
She was completely deflated. Crumpled on her wardrobe next to a pile of old clothes she had planned to sell off at a flea market before she left; once loved and cherished, but now discarded carelessly in an anonymous pile.
‘You can’t just cut me out of your life.’
‘How dare you!’ she exploded again. The rage in her voice shocked even herself. Who was she? Who had this person turned her into? ‘How dare you tell me what I can and cannot do? If you were a guy I would have fucked you off so quickly after what you did that you wouldn’t have seen the back of me. So don’t you dare tell me what I can’t do.
‘Maybe if you hadn’t been so selfish and let me deal with this shit at the time, it would be different now. But everything that’s happened is because of the choices you’ve made. You’re not a bad person Shelly, you’ve just made some really dumb choices.’ She couldn’t remember the last time she was so worked up.
‘I do understand. But obviously I am a bad person if…’
Chris cut her off. ‘No. You don’t get to do that anymore.’