Why I need to become Dita Von Teese

Last night we went to see the incredible Burlesque Queen – Dita Von Teese. It was absolutely incredible. She is everything you believe she’d be – petite and sassy, and she oozes sexuality from every single pore…

While I was sitting in the audience watching her, I realised that I need to be more like Dita. In every way of my life. And this is why.

She’s real and she flaunts what her mama gave her

Within the first 53 seconds, Dita had stripped down to her bejewelled g-string and nipple shields. It was at this moment that I noticed that even she, at a tiny 163 centimetres and 50 kilos, had cellulite on her butt… and it was glorious – and she knew it was glorious… and so, she continued to shake and swirl it in our faces. She has no shame in admitting she had a breast enlargement, but even they are glorious!

And although she could give an albino a run fo their money, this girl was rocking that pasty look like no other.

How refreshing! Regardless of if you were straight or gay, this woman was turning everyone on with her sheer confidence and the way she managed to sexify everything – from the way she untied her dressing gown, to the way she removed her stockings… I don’t understand how anyone can make taking a glove off look so damn sexy?! Everyone in the house had all their juices going…

I need her wardrobe in my life

Ok – picture this… rocking up to a date in a massive feather boa, a completely bejewelled bra poking out from under a sheer shirt, you get home and you undress to diamond nipple shields and a g-string so fine you could use it as fishing line, complete with a diamond encrusted triangle to grace the front of your vajootz… what a Queen.

Her whole wardrobe was amazing and although I have always been a fan of the sequinned bra and bejewelled corset as part of my repertoire, none in my collection could ever rival those of Dita’s.

She is the only person who would ever pull off bedazzled pink ass-less chaps and make them look absolutely incredible. I mean – it all helps when her waist is the size of my neck, but hey, you gotta give credit to a girl with such style.

She is flippant, and unapologetically so

Some people were quick to remind me that this was just a performance – but art imitates life, so they say, so I prefer to imagine that this is how Dita spends her days… draped in feathers and sequins and making people fall in love with her where ever she goes.

One of my favourite numbers was Dita arriving home to her two man servants, fobbing off gifts bestowed on her from obvious admirers, and laying there like the Queen she is while they removed her coat and shoes. She then slips into something more comfortable (a matching blinged out bra, panties, and suspender set and fluffy stilettos… The phone (which is so blinged out that I’m certain a blind man could have pointed it out) starts ringing and she tells the admirer, not tonight, she’s feeling lazy and wants to read a book… (FUCK YES – she even *reads*!)

This happens a few more times, obviously everyone is crazy about Dita and phoning to take her out… she keeps telling them all she’s just not up to it, but next minute she is down to her trademark sequinned g-banger and nipple shields, ready to have it off with her two servant boys… YEH GIRL! You do you… Sometimes the feeling just overcomes you, right?

I love the idea of fobbing off all the guys I’m not interested in, in favour of a spur of the moment threesome… #lifegoals

Can we talk about the bucking bull number?

Holy shit. I feel they should have handed around little packets of tissues to wipe down the seats after this finale.

Picture this. It’s a Western scenario – massive cactus, wooden fence, cow skull and a horse saddle… all entirely diamond encrusted of course… and in the middle of it all… a bucking bull… but not any bucking bull. This bucking bull was pink velvet with gold buttons and the horns were completely bedazzled in brilliant diamonds. Dita steps out (in afore-mentioned ass-less, sequinned pink chaps) with these cowboy inspired boots which were completely covered in diamonds – complete with bedazzled spurs (what I would do for a pair of these *boots*)… and starts gun slinging… We are already getting turned on – this is a whole new level of Country Western, and much more engaging than any my grandpa used to make us watch.

She wastes no time in stripping off the chaps (I was sad to see them go, I must admit) and next thing you know… she has mounted the bucking bull. It starts moving slowly and somehow this incredible Queen begins stripping, gyrating and masterbating simultaneously… while the bull is bucking… As the finale climaxes, confetti shoots out of the roof and she is almost completely naked on top of this divine velvet bull, boots still on, shimmering in the light and sprawled, spent, over the bull… what a Goddess.

It was in this moment that I knew this woman was a true icon – and simultaneously mentally went through what would be required to install such a mechanical bucking bull in my apartment for those nights I’m feeling a bit extra.

We left feeling tingly and I was silently jotting down a 5 year plan of how I would embody this divine creature. I feel like I could start small, with the addition of a feather boa, bejewelled cowboy boots and a sheer night gown to my wardrobe, then work on brushing off men who contact me in favour of spontaneous threesomes… and then work myself up to the installation of the bucking bull and a containment of confetti stored in my roof that releases with the tug of a rope… I’m sure I can find someone, somewhere to do that…

I’m keep you posted as I progress through the motions… but for now, you may call me, Dita. xx

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